So from January 2018 to April 2018 I travelled America; Boston to San Francisco. While I will one day write an in detailed blog; as I went I wrote a sentence a day, here is that list;
Day 1: Arrived in a blizzard. Didn’t die. Victory.
Day 2: Started in Cheers, ended up in the Sam Adams brewery; where everybody know I’m drunk.
Day 3: Got chased out of Harvard by security in a golf buggie.
Day 4: Stood on the field at Fenway Park. “Don’t tell anyone in New York you were here” was ominous as fuck.
Day 5: Harpoon Brewery was epic. Not sure how I got to New York.
Day 6: Too hungover to function, walked all day in Brooklyn and got lost in a park
Day 7: 9/11 museum. Jesus that was harrowing.
Day 8: I accidentally ended up in some free comedy show called the happy time candy hour. Got so drunk I ended up doing an open Mic night slot because “fuck it.”
Day 9: Went to a New York rangers game and laughed too hard at “sponsored Zamboni rider.”
Day 10: Got fed meatloaf sandwich by the barman in a dive bar and the locals bought me drinks all night
Day 11: Got caught in midtown Philadelphia after the Eagles win. I’ve now been inducted. GO BIRDS
Day 12: Philly cheese steak… Jesus christ
Day 13: Explored the bars of philly, their beer is better than New York. Monk’s Cafe needs to be visited again
Day 14: Frat party, can’t even function, also keg stands are fucking stupid.
Day 15: Drinking games in the hostel with the Welsh, the English a South African woman and a Spaniard… Hows that joke end?
Day 16: Morning run up the rocky steps singing DEEER NEEER NEEEEEEEER DEEER NEEER NEERRR
Day 17: Walking around Washington monuments at night singing the house of cards theme tune retrospectively ruined by Kevin Spacey.
Day 18: Did captain America’s morning run.
Day 19: Scottsman took me on a tour of the Captiol. “And here where they beat the English” was pretty much the title of every painting.
Day 20: State of the Union drinking game, my word was Tax; manly jello shots. How did we end up in a jazz bar?
Day 21: DO NOT FUCK WITH BUS DRIVER LINDA GILES.
Day 22: Got a portrait painted by a barmaid dubbed “the sexy Jackson Pollock” of Nashville.
Day 23: Quinoa whiskey is disgusting.
Day 24: Ate biscuits with an incredibly Christian woman and her daughter who recommended me a lot of christian rock music.
Day 25: Fuck Brady, Go Birds #Superbowl2018
Day 26: Lobster and Brie omletts…. Its the future ive tasted it.
Day 27: Jackson sucks, except Pig & Pint where the locals love me
Day 28: Found a speak easy in the back of a drug store. The apothecary was a classy joint.
Day 29: Met a gay porn star and his dominatrix best friend, who both offered fo fuck me too see who would do it best… I declined.
Day 30: Flashed my dick for beads. Classy as ever,
Day 31: Saw Nicolas Cage’s pyramid tomb. Cos that’s a thing
Day 32: So many things have hit me in the face… Why do parades hate me?
Day 33: Lundi Gras with the jazzbands of Frenchman street. So sophisticated till “oh she hates you.”
Day 34: Happy Mardi gras motherfuckers.
Day 35: Was so hungover I hovered round a diet coke giveaway for 3 hour playing Pokemon go.
Day 36: Americans do yell at the screen, mainly “fuck that guy” and “Wooo you go Panther.”
Day 37: Drove out of Birmingham blasting out “sweet home Alabama on the car stereo. One off the bucket list.
Day 38: Drank with the owner of the hammer and ale pub till they gave me free glassware. Best bar in Tennesee
Day 39: Graceland motherfuckers, The King has entered the building.
Day 40: Survived the drive down Elm Street. Perry 1 Kennedy 0
Day 41: Driving at sun rise playing” Woke up this morning” on a Dallas high way in sun glasses. Sapranos style.
Day 42: Toured Fort Worth’s outdoor water garden in a thunderstorm, cos that made sense at the time.
Day 43: Talked with Texans over BBQ and beer.
Day 44: Stopped off in little Rock, what a lovely day.
Day 45: Sat staring at The Twilight light show, so pretty… so stoned.
Day 46: Met an astronaut, was outta this world 😉
Day 47: Went to the rodeo and was a big boy and didn’t scream once on the giant Ferris wheel.
Day 48: The San Antonio river walk and ice cream, I’ve gone full tourist.
Day 49: Discovered the joy of Rainy Street and a black saison.
Day 50: Got my hair cut in an America barbershop. It’s exactly how it is in the films.
Day 51: East side pub crawl with comedy and drunken spelling bee.
Day 52: First baseball game and a Free ticket to AWAOLNATION with the Austin city panda. (long story)
Day 53: Got high on Texan grass and watched the coverfield paradox with the locals.
Day 54: Drove through the dessert in a car with no name.
Day 55: Climbed a motherfucking mountain y’all.
Day 56: Got in a gun fight in a ghost town.
Day 57: Bison makes and amazing burger.
Day 58: Started burning to a crisp on the white sand dunes of new Mexico, ended in a crematorium themed cocktail bar in Tuscon.
Day 59: Got stoned with new age polyamorus hippies… And there was an underwater bar in the desert.
Day 60: Went to a air space museum and heard a WW2 pilot talk about his experience flying.
Day 61: Drive through Sedona, the mountains and several clouds. Best drive ever.
Day 62: Went to the horse shoe bend at the Colorado river. Never been more terrified of any height more in my entire life.
Day 63: Day at the grand canyon, view is impossible to beat.
Day 64: Went to the hoover dam. Only got searched by the police twice.
Day 65: Ferris Bueller’d around Chicago art Gallery
Day 66: Crashed an Engagement party in a drag show bar… As you do.
Day 67: St.Paddy’s Day; green river, green beer, green clovers… Completely fucked.
Day 68: Finally got a deep-dish pizza, only took the Belgian guy 3 hours to find the restaurant.
Day 69: Hit the blackjack table, broke even, made 20 dollars then ran.
Day 70: Got stoned at Fire Valley with an Italian and a Spaniard before driving down the Vegas strip.
Day 71: Lost 70 dollars on the blackjack after at one point being 195 dollars up.
Day 72: The Belagio water show signed Vegas off with ‘Time to say goodbye’… Manly tears.
Day 73: Drank on La Jolla beach with stereotypical marines.Only got in one fight. Classy as fuck.
Day 74: Was going to go to a legal weed dispensary, but then I got high.
Day 75: Ate my weight in exotic Mexican tacos, munchies may have been involved.
Day 76: Cycled across mission bay, didn’t crash, success.
Day 77: Rode a mechanical bull, won a drink and lost my dignity.
Day 78: Finally got to the end of route 66.
Day 79: Saw a blue moon from Griffiths Observatory Telescope.
Day 80: Danced the night away in Santa Barbra’s premium Irish jazz bar.
Day 81: Drove the Pacific highway with a Dutch bowling ally DJ shotgun.
Day 82: Walked across the golden gate bridge,Attacked by a giant seagull, like a boss
Day 83: Walked the most crooked and steepest streets in San Francisco, my fucking legs…
Day 84: Earned the Tourist medal on the street car: “Don’t lean out the car, you’ll die”
Day 85: Drank in a historical gay bar with a ginger.
Day 86: Found the murder spots of the Zodiac killer… Can’t stop singing The Hurdy Gurdy Man
Day 87: 80% sure I drunkenly danced to Brittney Spears mid oddly British pub-crawl
Day 88: Alcatraz isn’t best toured so hungover you may die… The ferry was a bad choice
Day 89: Sex on the piano. That is all
Day 90: Goodbye America, Perry has left the building….
-till next time…
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